“The Kiss of Judas and Religion”
Spot on!
“Jesus Messes With the Food”
No, this isn’t in the bible. But it makes a good story, doesn’t it?
I suppose if this were today and Jesus was resurrecting people, his handlers might want his campaign to be able to assert, “This has not been tested on animals.”
So much for turkey dinner.
Buy original art!
That could be SOOO freaking annoying…and that bird CAN’T be comfortable without feathers or feet. O.o
Yeah!
I think, on this issue, we can get virtually the entire world on the same page. I guess that in this the WBC has truly brought the world together.
“choose your weapons” (cartoon by nakedpastor)
This is so accurate for theist v. non-theist debates, with both sides able to quote the Bible. However, I was a Christian much longer than I’ve been an atheist, so my experience with this is more with theist v. theist. It’s amazing how varied the differences can be from denomination to denomination, church to church, or even between members of the same church.
Those battles make theist v. non-theist arguments seem like child’s play. Spending years defending myself against Christians as a Christian, prepared me for defending my lack of belief now as a non-Christian. That’s the reason why I often say I’ve yet to hear an argument that I’ve not already encountered.
If it upsets you, just prove yourself, dude!
“words words words” (cartoon by nakedpastor)
I was surprised at myself while I was drawing this cartoon. I got rather emotional. Why? Because I didn’t make this up! All these words have been spoken to me. And when I thought about it, I could count on one hand the people who were actually interested in my intellectual and theological journey that got me to where I am. Most, however, see such a journey not as a progression but as a recession or a digression. Backsliding! And they’re not interested in these stories.
I’ve survived the gauntlet of negative words, some of which carry the power of actual cursing. And such words continue to fly daily in my direction.
However, one eventually learns how to handle them.
Own the original drawing! Or buy a print of this cartoon.
The Cartoon Laws of Physics
Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge’s surcease.
Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth’s surface. A spooky noise or an adversary’s signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character’s head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled.
A wacky character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l’oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall’s surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space.
The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary:
A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Law X
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
Law Amendment A
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.
When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.
Law Amendment B
The laws of object permanence are nullified for “cool” characters.
Characters who are intended to be “cool” can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.
Law Amendment C
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.
They merely turn characters temporarily black and smokey.
Law Amendment D
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.
Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to strech. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.
Law Amendment E
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in “C-spaces” (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).
The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in “cool” characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.
“i think i’m gay” (cartoon by nakedpastor)
The religious stand by the belief that God created us all, knowing the days of our lives before we were born. Am I really to believe and understand that a just and loving God, knowing the pain they would face from others, allows people to be born gay? I’ve heard many arguments and sermons on the matter, yet no one has answered this question.
I’ve been told that homosexuality is a choice, to which I call bullshit. No one chooses to suffer, lose their family, job, the respect of society, or even their life. As a Christian I was expected to accept that homosexuality was a sin because the Bible says it was, but we all know there are many things in the Old and New Testaments that are also sinful, yet Christians do them everyday. So why is this sin so much greater?
Jesus if he existed, knew all the days of our lives before we were born, yet this “sinful” sexual orientation exists; it even pre-dates him. He was however mute on the issue, leaving it wide open for his followers to speak on his behalf from the dawn of Christianity to now. These man made religions are so full of the ideas of men, not gods, yet they persist.
Cartoon of the day. For more cartoons from this week’s issue: http://nyr.kr/I0llN0
